The cats and I

The bed is 4 square metres. We could not get a bigger one but thought that it would be sufficient for two normal adults with ordinary sleeping habits. So we would be grateful if you guys left us a bit more than 0.50 square metres on which to rest our tired carcasses. The only solution is to get rid of all the bedroom furniture and install a wall to wall mattress with an electric fence in the middle. Knowing our luck we probably would electrocute ourselves whilst you furry pests carried on snoring on the other side.

The duvet was made to measure to fit the new bed. It is supposed to keep us, humans, warm in winter. It is not meant to be grabbed by all four corners, bunched up in the middle of the bed so you couple of fiends can hibernate in cosy comfort whilst the bipeds are freezing their backsides. You have your own built in duvet that you can clean daily for free. Ours cost 42 Euros to be dealt with at the drycleaners. This is why I would be grateful if you could puke on the floor tiles as opposed to the duvet. Being sick seems to be a favourite pastime with you lot and I am not quite sure why we spend so much money on expensive designer food and the best biscuits that are supposed to stop fur balls gathering in your innards. The bikkies do not stop the balls and it is slightly disturbing to step on one in the middle of the night on the way to the facilities. On the subject of eating can I remind you that grated cheese placed on the table is to sprinkle on our pasta and not to coat your whiskers. As you are trying to clean those antennas of yours your paws get sticky with the best Swiss cheese made in and the furniture gets lustre of “gratin” that the macaroni should have had. Butter is strictly for adults. It is guaranteed to raise our cholesterol level and we want to keep it that way. Why change a lifetime habit?

My watch is a Swatch. I never take it off even at night. It is difficult to get a replacement bracelet. So I would ask you, Suzy (that Siamese masked bandit) to stop gnawing at it every morning at 7am. I know your stomach is flapping but if you had not screamed for food at 3pm yesterday you would still have some ballast inside. I have no idea how to re-program a cat’s stomach so goodness knows what is going to happen when the winter time change arrives on the scene. I’ll probably break a lifetime habit and take my watch off at night. And when eventually I give up and put my dressing gown on I would beg you not to race me down the stairs. I’ll get there eventually unless you trip me and then you will have to open the tin with your teeth or do press-ups on the master of the house’s stomach. Something I would not recommend at this hour of the morning.

If you really insist on getting me out of bed at this ungodly hour of the morning at least let me have a few minutes of privacy in the bathroom. I do not ogle at you when you do your business in your sand tray. I do not scratch in it either. So please return the compliments and don’t try to break the bathroom door. Mewing loudly only aggravate the household and the neighbours. Just wait patiently. Some human functions can take time especially under cat stress. And there is only one door to the bathroom. I went in; I have to go out the same way.

May I remind you guys that we have a fair number of comfortable chairs in the house? So why do you always choose either my office chair (not particularly comfortable but usable in front of a computer) or my recliner chair bought recently after a very bad fall? I did not spend that kind of money for either of you to curl up in it and leave a bucket full of fur to get attached to my backside when eventually I get to have a rest in it.

The laptops and the printers are for human use only. It is unadvisable to try to crawl into the paper feeding system, dance a tango on the keyboard or worse chew on some wire that is part of any system’s spaghetti junction. Technicians are expensive workers and in they are not particularly fond of cats. But may be a kick in the skirts might bring some sense to your furry heads.

Pens are in places where they are needed. They are not toys to roll into improbable places, to disappear into crack in the tiles and to be found years later when a few generations of pens have replaced the missing persons and have disappeared as well as the past generations of cats. You have toys for amusement. Do not leave the blue furry mice at the bottom of the stairs when you are racing me in the morning.

The big “H” on the new Vitro-Ceramic hob means a no go area, however good the smell from the cooking pot was. One, what is in the pot is not for you and secondly vet fees are exorbitant. Burnt paws are painful unless you want to spend a few hours standing in a bath of icy water.

When we have visitors I would like you to be on parade and not disappearing in the attic. First time guests usually sniff around when they enter. Yes, we have cats. They don’t believe it and say casually that they are allergic to cats. This is when I want you down and show yourselves. They start sneezing (the guests) and leave. It saves on the drinks and boring comments on the weather. If they decide against all odds to stay get back on your chairs and make sure to leave enough hair to fill a pillow. If they don’t like cat’s hair on their clothes they can stay standing up. It is good for the blood circulation.

Cat’s lovers are very special people. We put up with a lot, understand their personalities, their moods, the expression on their faces, their purposeful walk from A to B. A cat never walks from one place to another without a definite goal in mind, whether it is to find a better place to sleep or try, like Siamese Suzy, to open the fridge door.

Cat’s lovers unite. They are smaller to handle than whales.

Jocelyne